Checking Out My New Blog

Hey guys!

I am working on a new blog to work with in addition to this one. It is a blog about herb gardening. I really like what I am working on over there and would love for everyone to check it out. It is located at http://friendlyherbgardening.blogspot.com/. I hope you will check out the new blog and let me know what you think. I am in the process of making a blog which will be informative for you and fun for me to write.

I will be adding a new blog post to this account soon. It seems like it has been way too long without a new fiction posting, so I will get on here soon with something fun.

Laughing at Yourself

In this new age of self indulgent people, there is less of a tendency to laugh at oneself. This is a tragedy! I have my own style of joke telling called the "solid gold". Every time I tell one of these jokes, they are solidified with a pumping of the fits and the hefting of the words, "SOLID GOLD!" Mind you, these jokes are not funny in their own right. They are more funny to me. I punctuate the jokes with a silly movement in order to garner more laughs.

I am under no delusions that I am a hilarious individual. I merely hope to entertain myself most of the time. This is not an extremely difficult endeavor as I find all of my jokes hilarious. If I am the only one laughing, than so be it. I will laugh all the harder to make up for your lack of laughing. Should this embarrass me? Who cares? I don't! More people need to have this attitude.

By laughing at yourself, you cut down the need to take anti-depressants. You become more fun to be around. Most importantly, I will not feel so all alone in this great big world we all live in. So, the next time you tell a joke and nobody else laughs, pump your fist and yell "SOLID GOLD!" You may get some stares, but at least you will be entertained. Smile knowing I am laughing with you.

The Mayonnaise Scare of 1976

The afternoon sun was hot and the young man did not know what else he should be doing with the day. It seemed like there was more going on, but it always seemed that way in the summer time. All year long, all any kid could think about was the summertime, but when it was finally there, boredom strikes. It was because of a situation like this that the mayonnaise scare of 1976 happened.

Many People would like to believe that mayonnaise is a friendly commodity that makes for a complete pantry. It is used on just about every sandwich that people enjoy making at home. Most of the mixed salad sandwiches use mayonnaise as a base. The commodity is also used to create most of the salad dressings and dips that people enjoy. It is hard to imagine that something so common and loved could be so scary.

In 1976 mayonnaise was at it's peak of popularity and every grocer had to make sure to have it in stock if they wanted to stay in business. Mayonnaise flew off the shelf in record fashion and with the summer drawing near, there was even more demand for it. Those that had the means would stock up for the rest of the summer in order to be able to create all their favorite dishes without having to make several trips to the store.

These days, mayonnaise usually does not contain real eggs. The recipe has been altered because of what happened in 1976 except for a few hold outs in the market. These are the brands that are labeled REAL mayonnaise, or HEAVY mayonnaise. The producers of the product wanted to make sure that nothing like this ever happened again.

New York in 1976 was every bit the metropolitan area that it is today. There were all the highs and the lows including power outages. The worst of the power outages hit New York and caused there to be no power for one whole week. This being during the beginning of summer, it meant that a lot of people lost food that they had in the fridge.

At the time the thoughts on mayonnaise was that it did not need to be refrigerated even though everyone did. The fridge was still a pretty new commodity in 1976, so people did not think twice about still using the product to slather on sandwiches and make salads with. This was a huge problem because of the fact that there was real eggs in the mayonnaise.

All told, the mayonnaise scare of 1976 claimed the lives of 326 people and hospitalized another 2,328. The city reeled from nausea and diarrhea the likes of which have not been seen since. To this day, anytime you purchase a jar of mayonnaise you will notice that there is a gentle reminder to refrigerate after opening. This is here for your protection and you will do well to heed the warning.

Ghost chef

Everyone has gone out to eat and seen the chefs on the line in the open kitchen toiling away to create the wonderful dishes that they are about to consume. Some people watch in awe at the talent that the chefs have and wish that they were so lucky. Others watch with a despairing eye thinking that they will catch some kind of screw up on the part of the chefs. Others still will watch simply for the entertainment value of it all.
Personally, I watch not because of any of these things. I watch because I, too, am a chef and I just like to watch my brothers in arms carry on the good fight. I watch as they slice, dice, chop, saute, grill, bake and arrange their way through a busy night. I take note when a plate is spotted that is less than perfect and watch with intent to see how they will respond to it. I watch as an observer as if it is an out of body experience because I have been in their position. I have been the chef in the fish bowl being watched and it is interesting to be on the other side for a change.
Truth be told I have not worked in some time as a chef. Not since the day that I encountered the ghost chef. I have been scared to pick up my knife and cut a fine brunoise of red pepper to garnish my perfectly balanced Lobster bisque. I tremble at the ides of tourneeing a radish to top my braised pork shank. The ghost chef was the last straw for me in an industry that is already tense enough as it is.
To make you understand I need to tell you more about myself and my career. I have worked in restaurants for over 20 years and thought I had seen everything. I have had women flash their breasts at me and my colleagues while in a meeting simply because we were the chefs. I have had people complain that a roasted garlic soup was too garlicky for her tastes. I have seen the best and the worst line cooks come and go. None of these did anything to prepare me for the encounter I had with the chef ghost.
My work had brought me to a new kitchen where I was to take over the position of sous chef. The chef in charge of the kitchen was Gary. Gary was very intimidating at 6'4" and 250 pounds. He commanded the attention of all the men on the line and demanded the very best from everyone that came into contact with him. He would not accept bad ingredients from vendors, or bad plates from line cooks. If anything made him angry it would be to seem in the least bit uncooperative with his ultimate view of how the kitchen should be run. It was his way or the highway.
This was all fine for me as I would settle for nothing but the best in my work either. I fell into the work easily and was commended often by chef Gary. I would often go home dreaming up ideas for new dishes with the simple idea that I was going to blow Gary away. I don't think that I ever truly astounded him as he had risen to a stage in his career that I can only hope to attain. He worked on dishes with the knowledge of someone that had been doing it for over 100 years. Knowing that was impossible it gave me hope that I would absorb enough inspiration from him to gain his level of expertise myself one day.
One night as I worked on the labor expense report that the restaurant manager needed I heard a knock at the back door. Usually after the crew left there was someone to come back that had forgotten something so I thought nothing of opening the door to let whoever it was in. BIG mistake. Who I ended up letting in was a couple of robbers. They backed me up with the prompting of their guns. Knowing that Gary was also in the restaurant somewhere flirting with the new hostess that had caught his eye I worried that he would spook the guys. I also didn't want for him to get hurt so I led them into the office where the money was that they were demanding.
Just as I was getting them close to the office door I spotted Gary at the entrance to the kitchen. He surveyed the scene unseen by the robbers. In an effort not to draw any attention to him I looked down to test the door. I looked back up as I opened the door inward with no sight of Gary. Hoping that he simply went to get help I led the robbers into the office where I stalled by fumbling nervously with the combination of the lock. Just as I finally got the door open I turned to see Gary at the door bloody knife in hand and a face as white as his chef coat.
The two robbers were on the floor dead and thankfully there seemed to not be a mark on Gary's body. I could not for the life of me figure out why Gary was so pale.Hoping that is was just the shock at what he had done, I tried to tell him everything was OK, but there was no response. As I told him again that everything was OK, he fell to his knees and began to cry. I stood erect and walked to him. Just then I noticed that there was actually three bodies on the floor. I only remembered two robbers coming in, so the third body confused me. I stepped over the three figuring that it didn't matter how many there were as long as they were not going to hurt us.
All I wanted was to make Gary know that what he did was OK. Hell, he probably saved my life. I tried to talk to him for what seemed like forever, but elicited no response. In a final attempt to console him as the sirens got closer I went to put my hand on him, but my hand went right through. Confused at first, I tried again with the same result. This could not be! I have never believed in ghosts, but how could I not now with proof like this. Scared, I took a few steps back from Gary.
Just then he spoke his first words since he entered the scene which still rock my world to this day, "Why did they have to kill you man, I was just about to make you my chef de cuisine." Amazed and confused I stared at him and then around the rest of the room at the bodies again. I realized then that the third body had a rumpled chef coat on. This was not as surprising as the giant exit wound from a hollow point bullet in the head. Staring at the dead body on the floor it now made sense why my hand would go through Gary. I was dead and a ghost.
Unsure what to do with myself, I spent a long time wandering the streets and trying to find out what my next stop was. I finally found that the only thing that brought me any joy was to watch those commit to the life that I loved and dream of the days when I was doing the same. I know that I could do it if I wanted to. I have learned to move things with my ghostly hands, but not wanting to spook anyone, I leave it for the living. I can only watch and remember. So, the next time you are eating dinner at a fancy restaurant with an open kitchen and you feel a chill on the back of your neck, don't look for the out of whack air vent. It is just me watching my brethren. Go back to eating your Osso Bucco please.

seal of approval

Everyone has seen something that is supposed to be of high quality that has been stamped with a seal of approval. People all the time in order to sign off on something that is in thier opinion good or worthwhile will get thier seal of approval. People will look to other people for thier seal of apporval on things and will go out of thier way to aquire that particular product based solely on that recomendation. Have you ever stopped to think where the term seal of approval comes from? Let me tell you where it comes from if I might so bold as to assume that you would like for me to do so.
First, to tell you the story I must tell of a place called Islandia. Islandia is an island that was home to a very friendly people. The weather there was always nice with a nice trade wind that kept it warm enough so you wouldn't need heat in the winter and cool enough that you wouldn't run up the electricity bill in the summer. Most crops that were worth eating would grow year round and there was no need to import anything because all the things that the islanders needed was right there in Islandia.
Like any place on Earth, Islandia was given to an occasional anomally. One day there was a commotion down by the ocean. A lot of islanders had gathered around one particular spot and were creating quite a scene. Everyone on Islandia had heard about this scene in very short fashion and had to come around to take a look. In fact even the mayor of Islandia took time out of his busy day to come down and see what all the commotion was about. There in the middle of all the crowd of people the mayor came face to face with something they had never seen before in Islandia..... a seal.
The seal looked like any other seal that you or I would see, but the thing was noone on Islandia had ever seen a seal before in person. They did not have a zoo like most places that are worldly bound. Without need to import and export products, the islanders had become so self sufficient that they had segregated themselves from the rest of the world. Noone knew what to make of the seal. All they knew was that they had a seal on thier hands and they had to try to take care of it. quickly the name Evruvius was given to the seal and everyone fell instntly in love with it.
Evruvius would waddle all around town and visit in with everyone and everyone was always glad to see him. They quickly found out that he liked fish very much and most shop keepers took to keeping fish in thier stores just in case he came by. Evruivius wanted for nothing as the whole town loved and doted on him. There was no need to find shelter for him as the weather was always so fair that he slept soundly under the stars every night and ate heartily every day.
One day in the middle of the town square two farmers were arguing over who had the best cow. a crowd gathered and everyone listened to the argument, but could not make up thier own mind as to which cow was better as they both were of fine Islandia quality. The argument grew more heated and the crowd grew even larger as the two pointed out the finer qualities of thier own animals and the lesser points of the others animal. In from the crowd came Evruvius and everyone became quiet as the seal waddled around both cows looking them over with a sharp eye. After what seemed like a long time, Evruivius patted one of the cows on the side and honked letting everyone know that this was the better cow. Everyone looked closer at the two cows and they had to agree with the seal that the cow Evruvius picked was the better of the two cows. a mild but pleasant bewilderment came across the crowd.
As the months went on Evruvius was asked to judge other things in the town and everytime they found that he did pick out the better of the two options. The town had a plaque made up to be given to the places that were picked by Evruvius and the store owners hung them with pride. It became the one thing that people looked for whenever they went out to buy thier necessities. Stores that did not have the approval of Evruvius would spend as much time and money as necessary to make sure that they got the approval back over another store.
One day an outsider came to visit Islandia. As he remarked on how nice the place was he had to ask why there was so many signs witha picture of a seal hanging on front of stores. The answer given was that these were the stores that had gained approval of the seal Evruvius. Amazed that the town would care so much about a seal's approval he checked in to each of the stores both with and without the seal's approval. He had to agree in every instance that the stores that met with Evruvius' approval were much better stores. He was determined to bring this back to his own country to help out consumers.
Back in his home country the use of seals was wide spread, but used for such things as sealing envelopes and branding something that it belongs to one person rather than another. When descibed to the others in his home country of the seal's approval, they instantly began using a seal to represent the seal Evruvius and cast tha seal in gold to be stamped on any product that was considered better than others. Before long the idea of Evruius was lost, but the legacy lives on every time that someone stamps something with thier own personal seal of approval.

Introduction

I feel that there have not been enough things out there spreading mistruths and alternate forms of information presented in a fun and mischevious manner. This blog is my own personal answer to adress that problem. I enjoyed thoroughly the movie BIG FISH and think that there need to be more raconteurs in the world. The art of telling stories and creating mischief in a young persons life needs a kick start. Stop in often and see what is brewing in the world that is next to and almost a part of our own. Who knows, maybe you will set up camp in my world and stay a little while. Hell, the water is fine and there is always plenty to eat.